Opening Day arrives in five minutes, ladies- CAN YOU FEEL THE BREATH OF HOPE ON THE BACKS OF YOUR NECKS?

FSN Bay Area is dead and Comcast is taking over. I’m assuming all your old friends like Kuip and Kruk (grown men) will remain, but it might take awhile to get used to new music. I've heard the Brainbombs were contacted. I’m sure, though, we can count on fast and capable customer service from the new boss, with plenty of highly educated professionals delivering clear and sensitive responses to your queries. On a symbolic level, it’s fitting that Comcast will bring us this year’s Giants’ opener, as one highly efficient and customer-oriented organization presents another. I'm excited about the new switch, as such highly touted celebrities as Terry Steinbach showed up for the "unveiling" ceremony. Join me in welcoming the new kids on the dial- go Comcast!

A public service announcement from the editor

The benefits of smoking tobacco have been common knowledge for centuries. From sharpening mental acuity to maintaining optimal weight, the relatively small risks of smoking have always been outweighed by the substantial improvement to mental and physical health. Hysterical attacks on tobacco notwithstanding, smokers always weigh the good against the bad and puff away or quit according to their personal preferences.

Now the same anti-tobacco enterprise that has spent billions demonizing the pleasure of smoking is providing additional reasons to smoke. Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Tourette's Syndrome, even schizophrenia and cocaine addiction are disorders that are alleviated by tobacco. Add in the still inconclusive indication that tobacco helps to prevent colon and prostate cancer and the endorsement for smoking tobacco by the medical establishment is good news for smokers and non-smokers alike. Of course the revelation that tobacco is good for you is ruined by the pharmaceutical industry's plan to substitute the natural and relatively inexpensive tobacco plant with their overpriced and ineffective nicotine substitutions. Still, when all is said and done, the positive revelations regarding tobacco are very good reasons indeed to keep lighting those cigarettes.

Thank you.

I Have a Problem

I'm developing quite the little vinyl fetish- ain't gonna pay too much, but I'm sneaking out of prep periods to Concord, and that just reeks of filthy sin. Here are the latest crimes against my children's futures-

Brother JT- Holy Ghost Stories- never seen this on vinyl so I must purchase- has an upside down cross and a lipstick smudge on the back cover, scum stats that steal my free will.

24 of Hank Williams' Greatest Hits- gatefold with mounted bust of Hank on the front and back cover- kinda like Beethoven, but with hat.

The Funky 16 Corners- yea yea yea, I've got it on the cdr, but this has gatefold pictures, prison bars and mariachi hats. Mostest post-Graduate come down tuneage. Soonly.

Apache- "Boys Life" 7"- I think they're local, but they most certainly are anthemic- big rock, big big rock- convertible rock of the spring time Grizzly Peak variety. With hair. Biggest winner of this current moment. Large. Ball-punishing sound. Punishing.

The Kids- S/T- classic Belgian punk rock and roll- more for the top down- ice cream and Pliny to follow- I'm picturing tight short pomps and Ethiopian arms. Amy says, "Let's dance."

John Fogerty- Centerfield- well, I just read the saddest story ever written (the saga of CCR, otherwise know as the worst written bio ever penned) so revisiting the 80's with tremulous hands I find mucho CCR ripoffs and too much production. Some of this will ride your background, and some will drive your wince. Biggest asshole in art since VS Naipaul.

FM Knives- Useless and Modern- dumbest purchase since that last beer that one night with those other people. It never got me when I had it on tape, so all the raves must have played on my weakness and penetrated illusionville in my purchase-desire organ. Still just second-rate Buzzcocks. From Sacramento.

TV Ghost- S/t- Circus freak heaven on a Birthday Party sleigh ride- language comes in many forms. Young'uns done got the weird vibe and I'm feeling the potential. Too early to tell if there is greatness here, but late enough to know it ain't no Camaro spring hope perky titty rock.

Friday drinking at Barclays in the afternoon is mandatory

Abracadabra

Jim Steinmeyer's Hiding the Elephant is a history of illusion running from the mid 19th century to the early 20th. It's a rare non-fiction book that gets my attention - luckily, Steinmeyer is not only an accomplished illusion designer, he's a hell of a writer and historian.

Witness the Davenport brothers, who hoodwink half of New England during the inspired Spiritualism craze with a simple wooden cabinet. They are outdone when a couple of enterprising Londoners discover the haunting power of sheet glass, and soon begin to hatch ghosts onstage to rapt audiences. Ghosts are good for a while, until levitation takes off. All the while, escape artist Houdini is chomping at the bit, trying to get known as a magician. He soon steals from the best.

Magicians are conniving bastards who hoard their secrets. They bribe stage hands and pay high dollar for another's devices. There's no honor among these thieves, and as the New York/London rivalry heats up, the true showmen like Devant and Kellar rise to the top. Magic was a huge draw, with bums and swells eager to pay to be fooled. Magicians ran touring companies and broke new talent, and the collective enterprise was enormous.

I've ordered a couple more Steinmeyer books and will report findings asap. Meanwhile, I can make beer disappear at Barc's.

Thanks, Mr. Hipster Record Store Clerk

Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk,

Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed.

I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70’s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors.

I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I’m totally missing out in life.

So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you’re an uncompromising visionary.

No one will ever understand you. You’re so different.

Signed,

Everyone Not Like You

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/588037045.html

The Wanderers

The Wanderers is probably one of my top ten all-time favorite films. The Ducky Boys are clearly the scariest collective badasses of all time, and Karen Allen is so lovingly endearing in this film that any last shred of manly restraint you might have possessed at the beginning will be dripping down your ribcage by the end. It's just perfect.

So, reading the novel that inspired the beloved film is clearly a setup for letdown, but not here. Richard Price was just 24 when he published the novel, and while it's more a series of character vignettes that document the end of youth for a teenage gang, you care about these guys. Little do they know that playing elbow titty, bowling, rumbling and making out will be the best days of their lives before the army or marriage or death takes them away. They are stupid and violent and relentlessly cruel, but you can't help loving the fucking wops.

I have no idea what Price's other novels are like, but this worked down the emotional line. I couldn't stop rooting for the miserable bastards, no matter how badly they behave. Ain't no masterwork, but I had a quality four hours with Ricky and Perry and Joey, and let's not forget the Wongs. Damn those boys scare me.

Biggest asshole in P-rock?

What we have here is a diary of Henry Rollins' tenure with perhaps the greatest hardcore band ever, the Black Flag.

Hank's pros- at 18 he quit working in a DC area ice cream store and became the lead singer of the LA hardcore legends. He never looked back despite total poverty, constant violence and never ending tours. None of us are that strong physically or emotionally so perhaps I should just shut the hell up.

The cons- the band basically started sucking as soon as he joined, he doesnt drink except coffee, has a real dumb meathead take on Nitztche and will not stop talking about how numb he feels emotionally and physically. This last part goes on for 5 years!

Like the Replacements book, this sucks. But its still worth it for the little details of an underground 80s community that existed within a pre-internet, pre-Soul Seek, Ronald Reagan, hair metal America. Oh, and a quick spin of the First 4 Years confirms Greg Ginn's guitar is the most destructive, awesome killing machine ever. Ever.

A few vernal points

I'm listening to Scott Spencer being interviewed on NPR, and he's talking up his new book which sounds like Houellebecq meets Franzen. Don't know if I can get behind this effort, but here is what you need to know about Spencer:

Last Night at the Brain Thieves Ball (1975) - Interesting first book, but nothing of what is to come. Don't remember much. B-

Preservation Hall (1976) - here we get the Spencer we all know and love. He's got a mishmash of scenarios and problems the main characters experience when they're marooned in a snowbound cabin. They're young and vital and real. No one does young folk like Spencer as the next book proves. B+

Endless Love (1979) - One of the best books of my lifetime. Jade and David are amazing characters, and the ends fray out and make you feel that missing part of you, that urgent relationship you wish you still had many years ago. Highlights include Ann Butterfield's letters, a 50 page sex scene, the two living in Vermont, and the stone fact that most adults are plain jealous of young love. A

Waking the Dead (1986) - his second best, about an unmatched love affair that ends in a killing, only to be restarted with a possible ghost/spirit of said dead lover. B+

A Ship Made of Paper (2003) - Parts are great, parts are crap. Relationships with parents and lovers are frayed, but as this was supposed to be a book about race relations, it was probably too bad it came out at the same time as Powers' The Time of Our Singing, a much better book. B

This Post Is What It Is

Sonny sent this link, and since reading the terrific article I've been thinking of the Naipaul I've read and need to read. Here's a rundown of what I've covered and what needs to be done.

The Mystic Masseur (1957) - pretty lame. actually his third written book i think. not many laughs. C+

The Suffrage of Elvira (1958) - funny Naipaul about corrupt elections in Trinidad. B+

Miguel Street (1959) - his first book. street sketches of Trinidad folks. Pretty funny but also pedestrian. B

A House for Mr Biswas (1961) - the best Naipaul. Funny and sad and a ton of unique humor. A

The Mimic Men (1967) - i read this but dont remember it. INC

In a Free State (1971) - three stories about exiles who make a go of things. One set in DC if memory serves which was quite good. B

Guerrillas (1975) - ahhh islanders. Dumb whites abound. Not as good as his next book. B

A Bend in the River (1979) - terrific read. Fictionalized mobutu congo nonsense, but Naipaul is firm about everything. his narrator is self assured and makes the chaos manageable. Great opening line, and also great business insights. Good digs at colonials if memory serves. B+

The Enigma of Arrival (1987) - a book about nothing that is so good and weird it defies categorization. Naipaul describes coils of hay and drinking a beer on a Sunday afternoon and i'm floored. I don't know why. A-

Half a Life (2001) - Ugh. C

I want to read Among the Believers: An Islamic Journey, and a couple other non fictions. I've read the India books in spots, and they were fine. Conversations with V.S. Naipaul (University Press of Mississippi) is a riot, and rewards constant reading for the Naipaul jabs.

Iraq invasion was "successful endeavor": Cheney

By Tabassum Zakaria

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney on Monday declared the 2003 U.S.-led invasion of Iraq a "successful endeavor" in a visit to Iraq that was overshadowed by a suicide bombing that killed at least 25 people.

"If you look back on those five years it has been a difficult, challenging but nonetheless successful endeavor ... and it has been well worth the effort," Cheney told a news conference in Baghdad after meeting Iraqi leaders.

The Iraq war is a major issue in the U.S. presidential campaign. As it enters it sixth year, the war has cost the U.S. economy $500 billion and seen nearly 4,000 U.S. soldiers and tens of thousands of Iraqis killed.

Shortly after Cheney spoke, a woman wearing a suicide vest blew herself up in a cafe in the southern holy Shi'ite city of Kerbala, killing 25 people and wounding 50, police and health officials said. Bombs in Baghdad killed four and wounded 13.

What Are You Reading - March?

Little, Big - John Crowley - Better the second time through. A-

The Code of the Woosters - P.G. Wodehouse - best of the bunch so far. B+

Very Good, Jeeves! - P.G. Wodehouse - I cant remember a short story collection I've read this
century besides this one. B+

How Right You Are Jeeves - P.G. Wodehouse - not so hot. C+

Cakes and Ale - W. Somerset Maugham - just started it. INC

The Great Fire - Shirley Hazzard - better the third time around. A

What Are You Listening To - March?

Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments-never could get past Ron House's voice when these guys came out, but I'm older and humbler now and I appreciate the nasty middle age groping tone and even embrace it. A much punkier and quirkier GBV if the singer were the crazy uncle with real booze and molestation problems and the nasally nerd voice of great losers everywhere. Winner.

Laughing Hyenas- will they or won't they stand the test of time, those memory-laced bastions of your younger listening self? They will, in this case, but only with the lights off, the blinds closed and after an English Department meeting. I can't speak for other contexts, at least today.

Ray Davies- flog the dead horse, cuz I'm holding the cat o' nine tails and smiling the smile of the understood. Nobody does Camus' Absurd like Davies.

Dirtbombs- We Have You Surrounded- I had no expectations and so six good songs out of twelve sounds good enough to me. This sent me deep into the back catalogue to discover that all my old prejudices are right- 1)the Gories are good but not godhead 2) Blacktop is a solid one-off but let's leave it at that 3) the Dirtbombs are a much better singles and live band

Crypt Records circa 1990's- this is it- ain't nothing matched it- line 'em up and count 'em, sister, but the votes are counted. If you can top this with one rnr's label's output in a short time span besides Sun, I'm all ears and then loudmouths. But where's the goddamned second Revelators' record, for the love of Howlin' Wolf? By the way, he's selling off some outstanding vinyl for six and seven bucks at http://www.cryptrecords.com/. Really. Get the Bantam Rooster, dude. Totally.

CCR- currently, "Ramble Tamble" is the greatest song ever written, at least this week- check in next time when we evaluate the relative merits of "Who'll Stop the Rain?"

Very pretty girl! Perhaps $5,500 is ok!

Ok, haters, the Sharks just won their tenth in a row and have moved into first in the toughest division in hockey. They're second in the conference, by the way, to the fading Detroit Red Wings. Talk all you want about the young perky breasts in spring training and how Rich Aurilia's goatee gets you hard in the wee wee hours- we have an elite pro team in the Bay Area, so I'll keep following nail-chewing excitement and you can keep whining about management. One day, the Sharks are going to win the Stanley Cup, and the Giants will still be looking to replace Rob Nen. The good seats will still be filled with corporate assholes on cell phones. Peter Macgowan will still be blaming someone else. The best show in sports is in San Jose. Get over it. Get on it. Go teel.

The Giants fell to 3-10-1 with a 15-6 loss to Kansas City on Monday, the worst exhibition record in the majors.

Is this genius or junk?

A nice bit of press, no?

What the hell are they teaching people in journalism school these days?

My Hero

Ill bring over a copy of this (and some pot) and we'll get our game on.

La Trappe