Can Nabby Step Up?

Is this man ready to play?

If not, let the summer wrangling begin...

Get Off the Sideline

It's the eve of the Sharks' first playoff game, and I just watched Juan Uribe strike out on three pitches above his shoulders and then flipped to Versus to catch the Blues/Canucks game because the NHL, in its infinite wisdom, pissed off ESPN and lost the contract.

I need to vent.






Today's subject: the sideline reporter.

Point A- Too many have those braces white teeth and that Joan Rivers smile and that voice, that helium voice, so uneasy in the mouth and on the ear. If you're going to wear that botox smile, put on a cheerleader uniform.

Point B- she never gets anybody to say anything, unless some cranky college football coach rips her a new one- "How do you feel about the way things went in the first half/period/quarter/trimester of my mating season?" Unless I feel like Stephen Jackson might throw down at any moment, she's not asking tough questions.

Point C- stop interrupting players while they're on the fucking bench in the middle of the fucking game. They are tired or concentrating or desperately in need of a non-camera moment. You will get them to say nothing, and you will destroy the last bit of mystery the dugout/bench held for the child whose cynicism begins with your first question.

I say, unless she's going to ask real questions (that don't involve feelings), she is a superfluous annoyance taking time from shots of cheerleaders and drunken coeds in the stands.

In the 1970's, the Dallas Cowboys understood how to add sex to the violence. Have we really regressed this far?

I Want to Lick the Cup

I know you've all been waiting for them, so here they are, without garnish, my first round playoff picks. Check back in two weeks to better understand the master.

Eastern Conference

Boston Bruins (1) vs. Montreal Canadiens (8)- Bruins faltered in the second half, but they'll work through the nastiness to take this one in SIX.

Washington Capitols (2) vs. New York Rangers (7)- I know nothing about these teams other than New York sucks. Caps in FIVE.

New Jersey Devils (3) vs. Carolina Hurricanes (6)- the Devils were arguably the best team in hockey over the second half, and Carolina is a golf destination. Devils in FIVE.

Pittsburg Penguins (4) vs. Philadelphia Flyers (5)- the battle of Penn brings the only upset of the East first round, with the Flyers dragging down all that star power to make my grandpa (rest his soul) happy. Flyers in SEVEN.

Western Conference

San Jose Sharks (1) vs. Anaheim Ducks (8)- I have no confidence in the Sharks after their second half performance, but I can't crap out on them now. Sharks in SIX.

Detroit Red Wings (2) vs. Columbus Blue Jackets (7)- I love the BJ's, but too much Red and White firepower ends this early. Red Wings in FIVE.

Vancouver Canucks (3) vs. St. Louis Blues (6)- the Blues are the silliest sixth seed in the history of hockey. They're a great story, but no match for the big man in the Vancouver goal . Canucks in SIX.

Chicago Blackhawks (4) vs. Calgary Flames (5)- everybody and his lush mama has the Blackhawks walking all over the Flames, but I have faith in Iginla and the Kipper. Flames in SEVEN.

Football's Fabulous Females

Sign at my downtown Oakland gym: "We're sorry to say that the basketball court will be closed on April 26 due to the Raiderette cheerleader tryouts." Anybody want a guest pass?

One Ends, One Begins, and One Coronary Waits...

For those of you with lives, let's catch up on Bay Area sports-

Warriors- the season is mercifully winding down, with the 'future' getting their time and giving the faithful a smidgen of hope. Randolph is clearly a talent with the emotional maturity of my three-year old; Wright hasn't played enough to make an impression, but betting money has him gone before the beginning of next year; Morrow works hard and has the sweetest stroke on the team, but he's a soft tweener who can't stop anybody; Bellineli shows flashes, but he's too slow and another defensive no-show. Biedrins and Monte and Kelenna A. are mainstays, as is Turiaf at backup center. I'd love to see the W's trade Jackson; he is the most overrated player in the NBA. They desperately need a true point guard to free Monte, and they need a bruiser to grab some bounds. Unfortunately, for trade bait, Jamal Crawford's contract is too big and so is Maguette's- way to go, management. They'll be better next year, but the playoffs are a reach.

Sharks- everybody has finally had their babies and are apparently finished being 'hurt' with undisclosed lower body injuries, so they have two remaining games to get their fucking lines together and find some rhythm. All the smart eyes hope for a St. Louis first round, but the next three days will tell. A third straight Predator first-round matchup wouldn't keep me up at night, but I don't need the damn Ducks right off the bat. The problems- the team has not scored for awhile. The defense is solid and has kept the puck moving up and out of the zone, but the big boys are not getting nearly as many shots to the net and are not creating nearly as much traffic as they'll need to generate goals from the blue line on the power play. Thornton coasted through the final third of the season, and the big line of Marleau, Thornton and Setagouchi hasn't played together for weeks. Will Todd put Cheech on that front line to start the playoffs? Will Nabby get his game face back on? Will Shelley get any playoff minutes now that Staubitz's left is the talk of the league? Can Dan Boyle make the blue line relevant on the power play?

I don't fucking know, either. See you next week in the red lounge, where hockey fans don't complain, they...

Giants- Are those the sounds of whaps from last year's sagging bats? Mr. Molina has an eye on the rearview mirror of Mr. Posey, and a number of doubles to keep the future at bay. Sandoval looks like the real deal and a real character to boot. Rowand is having a miraculous start, given the last half of last year and the spring that boded darkly for the one beats up mirrors. Given Burriss's first three games, somewhere Kevin Frandsen is warming up. Freddy Lewis gets just the kind of start he needs to build confidence that he's indeed an everyday player. And hey, Matt Cain pitches like Lincy and the Thursday afternoon crowd hits MoMo's with smiles and big happy thirsts.

And the Raiders sign Jeff Garcia, and everything old is new again, and all you have to do is take the ferry into the future...

First Place- Print It!

The first game of the season was a messy affair, with everything flying in the face of the pundits. Giants power up, Lincy stumbles over himself, the rain doesn't fall, and the Giants win. Of course I didn't actually see the game, but I'll comment on it anyway, as is my right in the democratic forum of the virtual community- Sandoval is for real; that single he hit up the middle off a golf tee shows he's Manny Sanguillen plus 5o lbs. The Giants' relief corps will be bad again- maybe slightly better than the last few years, but outside of Wilson, who would you trust? I'm very curious about Ishikawa- he rips a three-run triple to death alley in his first AB as a Giants' starter on Opening Day, and when he takes off his helmet, he looks like a Hong Kong action star. Randy Winn will never hit a ball as far as he that homer. Ever. Renteria made a few nifty plays at short. Rowand muscles up. The faithful stroll out to the High Dive happy.

Giants, over .500 and in first place. Take a picture.

Metro-Mexican

Are all Mexican druglords metrosexual?