River of No Reprieve: Descending Siberia's Waterway of Exile, Death, and Destiny

If I read one more title like this I'm gonna spray the next publisher's party I'm not invited to with my new uzi. Gee, let's drop a coin on a topographical map and where it lands, well, there I'll go, all khaki and waterproof notepad laden, and I'll wrap my harrowing tale around my own conquered fears and the lessons I learned from the charming primitives, nobly detached from soul-crushing iPhones and the prison of rational thought. Watch me dribble out 18 pages on the nutritional value of the goochie fly, another 14 on the spiritual lessons of Papa Okiedo-key, mystical seer whose special bird is the crow, and yet another 27 on the river as life, destiny, journey, mystery, wet. Hey you mister, the one behind the desk with that wistful look of missing-out-on-it-all, longingly conjuring up middle-age plans for your VISIONQUEST dropout adventure that you'll turn into a bestselling meaning-of-life self help hardback that'll take you away from all of this and bring you the 14 splayed virgins your uniqueness and specialhood deserve but the bitch injustice of life has failed to deliver- GO FUCK YOURSELF!