It's Teel Time, Ladies

Now that Cal has delivered on their promise of betrayal and the Giants just weren't quite ready for prime time and the Warriors have imploded on MEDIA DAY and the Raiders are auditioning for the new USFL, it's time to get serious about tomorrow's opening night of the hockey season. That's right- it's time for everybody's favorite post-season lillies, your Men in Teel, the San Jose Sharks.

And what would a new season be without some controversy? Last season's President's Cup winner flamed out in the first round against the not-so mighty Ducks, solidifying their position as the biggest playoff gaggers this side of Ottawa. Guilt-ridden G.M. Doug Wilson made the punters squirm all summer before making the BIG TRADE he promised when the Sharks were self-lacerating for their playoff failure. (By the way, the Sharks are the Catholic penitentes of the National Hockey League. Every post-season failure is followed by the public equivalent of 500 lashes with the juniper, and even then, you get the feeling that the powers-that-be think it just isn't enough to satisfy the intensity of their self-loathing. For those counting at home, they're the anti-Warriors, who just cash checks from the blindly loyal and send them to the Richard Dawkins fund for slaying believers). DW sent off crowd favorite but fading Jonathan Cheechoo and underachieving Nordic pussy Milan Michalek for the first pure scorer the Sharks have ever had, the two-time 50-goal scoring Dany Heatley, formerly of Ottawa, naturally. Now, will the famously harmonious Sharks' clubhouse be ruffled by the notorious Heatley, who has begged out of two cities and left a trail of liquid hate steaming a blue streak behind him? Will the new captain, the middle-aged defenseman, Rob Blake, provide the quiet leadership that calms the jitters of first-time players and those who perform like rookies when April rolls around? Will Brad Staubitz kill a man stone dead with a series of right crosses, dropping him bleeding in an uncomfortably pleasing red puddle on white ice tableau, preferably against the Stars?

As usual, I have no answers, but I do have predictions.

The Sharks will get off to a relatively slow start. Last year they opened 25-3 and faded. Won't happen this year. They still might fade, because they are a professional sports team playing in what can only loosely be defined as the Bay Area, but no hot start. Too many new pieces need to find their grooves.

The fans will have less patience with Mr. Nabokov- the Nabby chants will echo from the rafters, but they'll be harder to hear on the way down. More and more playoff failure fingers be pointing at the Russian goaltender.

Joe Pavelski will score at least thirty goals this year. If they can keep a Patty Marleau, Ryan Clowe, Joe Pavelski second line for a good chunk of the season, the little man will get his 3-0. And he'll win several games with penalty shots, but you already knew that.

The Sharks will finish in the middle of the Western playoff pack, say 4th or 5th, and ask me no questions from there. I've had so much character-building in the last five years I'm Jessica Rabbit.

Sharks vs. Avalanche- Thursday night on Versus...

But wait, Comcast is fucking over Direct TV and now the faithful can't see the game because Direct does not offer Versus because Comcast owns the channel and is charging DirectTV astronomical fees for it. Is Al Davis behind this? Why didn't Michael Moore get it in his new "movie"? Why must the long-suffering be whisked aside with the back of some pudgy 23 handicap local TV executive's liver-spotted hand?

Is this what Dylan meant when he said you're going to have serve somebody?

Anyway, tonight I'll probably be sitting in some overpriced sports bar, sipping on liquid resignation and doing the nine-mile stare of woe.